Walaupun tidak seberapa, saya bangga dengan setiap huruf dan tanda baca yang pernah saya tulis di sini.
Beberapa hanya rangkaian kata dan wacana, beberapa hanya hal-hal yang tertunda.
Beberapa berubah menjadi kisah cinta jenaka yang singgah lalu terlupa.
Beberapa menjadi duka, lalu teman-teman lama.

Selesai.

Untuk selanjutnya, saya akan tetap menulis di situ dan di sini. 

Oke, tidak seglamor itu kok, tapi kurang lebih begini:

“Yang dipenjara di Indonesia itu adalah para tumbal”

(waktu itu kita sedang membicarakan tentang ibunda A.K. yang “terpaksa” harus menjadi tumbal walaupun masih ada pihak yang lebih bersalah)

It made sense. Banyak sekali contoh-contoh seperti itu yang makin sering muncul (karena berita sekarang menyebar cepat lewat twitter, sepertinya). Mungkin jika suatu saat sebuah berita sebuah kejahatan muncul, kita hanya perlu menutup mata dan telinga selama seminggu lalu bangun tidur dan tidak pernah mendengar kelanjutan berita itu lagi. Yang kita temui hanyalah orang-orang marah dan skeptis karena mereka tidak menutup mata dan telinga saat di minggu tidur kita itu. Lalu kita membaca-baca berita dan menjadi sadar kalau mereka marah untuk apa yang terjadi di hari ketujuh dan lupa enam hari kebelakangnya. Disorientasi. Ironisnya, mereka marah untuk apa yang terjadi di permukaan saja.

Pada kenyataannya, jika setiap orang mendapat hukuman yang pantas sesuai apa yang pernah ditulis, mungkin seluruh rumah di Indonesia perlu dijadikan penjara.

Saya sering berpikir apakah mungkin dulu para penyusun Bahasa Indonesia salah dalam membuat kata-kata saat menyusun kamus edisi pertama. Kata “hukuman” berasal dari “hukum”, tidak seperti di Bahasa Inggris yang membedakan antara “law” dengan “punishment“. Hukum menjadi sinonim dengan hukuman, padahal tujuan hukum adalah mengatur. Akibatnya tentu saja kita jadi menghindari hukum, bukannya menghindari hukuman. Tidak usah repot-repot, jika tidak ada mobil yang melintas, apakah kita berjalan 800 meter lebih hanya untuk mencari lampu merah untuk menyebrang? Toh tidak ada yang pernah dipenjara hanya karena menyebrang jalan. Yang mati tertabrak pun kita bilang namanya takdir hidup. Apes. Cara Tuhan mengingatkan. Hukuman. Tumbal.

Dari sekian ribu orang yang menghindari hukum yang sudah tertulis yang kita lihat setiap hari, yang menyebrang jalan sembarangan, yang memberi uang damai kepada polisi, yang membuang sampah, yang tidak punya kartu identitas, yang menyegel gereja, yang mabuk, yang menabrak lari orang gila, yang memberi amplop di bawah meja, yang memberi amplop di atas meja, apakah pernah terpikir oleh kita:

kenapa hanya sedikit sekali yang dihukum?

Tentu saja karena hanya untuk mengisi berita. Bahwa ternyata masih ada yang ditangkap lalu dipenjara (lalu bebas, tapi tidak masuk berita), sekedar cukup saja untuk mengisi dua puluh halaman koran atau satu jam acara berita siang hari di televisi. Untuk membuat kita lega kalau kita punya kesempatan sembilan puluh persen untuk tidak tertangkap dan menjadi tumbal, so that we have one less thing to worry about,

so we can ignore the law and its punishment,
so we can concentrate on seeking money just in case that our luck runs out
and we need to pay the law enforcer to (again) ignore the written law.

to evade the fate of being a scapegoat who is punished to fill page 10 of the morning newspaper. 

Saya tidak liburan di sini. Saya melanjutkan sekolah saya, dan nampaknya hanya saya satu-satunya yang keluar dari kampus saya sebelumnya lalu pindah ke James Cook University Singapore ini. Tetap pada jurusan yang sama (karena saya statusnya pindah), namun dengan major Interactive Technologies & Game Design. Pretty cool name, eh? Doakan saya lulus Februari 2013 ini.

Jadi, bagaimana hidup di sini?

Mungkin kalau saya jelaskan, hanya sedikit berbeda dari Jakarta (17 tahun di sana) dan Bandung (5 tahun di sana).

Saat siang udara di sini sama panasnya dengan Jakarta,
hanya tidak ada lapisan asap sehingga rumput lebih hijau dan langit tidak kelabu.

Saat hujan saya menggigil seakan sedang di Bandung,
hanya tidak ada banjir dan selama saya di trotoar saya tidak basah.

Makanan yang ada sama dengan yang ada di Indonesia,
hanya mie goreng terasa lebih pedas dan minuman cukup mahal.

Keterasingan yang saya rasakan pun sama,
karena mungkin toh saya tidak tertarik untuk mencuri dengar siapa-siapa.

Tapi memang ada hal-hal yang sangat berbeda.

Di sini hidup harus sangat teratur dan hemat. Agak aneh rasanya dua keping koin yang terjatuh sama nilainya dengan makan siang yang kenyang, atau satu halte yang terlewat bisa benar-benar membuang waktu dan uang.

Di sini hidup sangat jujur dan bermoral. Mobil-mobil bahkan dengan sabarnya menunggu saya untuk menyebrang, padahal saya masih dua puluh langkah dari bibir jalan. Tidak mengklakson ataupun menyerobot, hanya tersenyum sembari saya menyebrang jalan.

Di sini sangat sepi. Mungkin saya baru bisa pulang Oktober nanti untuk menemui keluarga dan pacar saya. Telepon sangat mahal, sampai saya kadang berpikir apakah ini cukup atau tidak untuk tetap menjaga hubungan ini sampai dua tahun ke depan. Paling tidak, menyenangkan punya seseorang sebagai tujuan kembali :)

Di sini, moga-moga saya bisa hidup lebih baik.

saya tidak boleh lupa kalau tidak ada kota yang tak berpenghuni,
dan setiap sudut ruangan ada mata-mata yang pura-pura lupa,
atau mata-mata yang seringkali tidak kasat mata.

saya tidak boleh lupa kalau hujan terkadang datang sebagai percikan,
dan setiap tetes air pasti akan kembali ke laut,
atau bersemayam dalam embun pagi setiap hari selasa.

saya tidak boleh lupa kalau yang pergi itu saya:
bukan cahaya, bukan kota sepi, bukan rintik hujan,
bukan mata-mata yang seringkali tidak kasat mata.

saya tidak boleh lupa kalau dia menunggu saya.

Yak, saya bukan pelawak, dan tidak banyak audiens yang menunggu tulisan saya (khusus untuk orang-orang yang datang ke blog saya hanya karena saya pernah menulis kata-kata “anak SMA”, tolong, bukalah website duniawi lain. You messed up my hit counter). Beberapa mungkin sudah tahu kalau saya pindah menulis singkat di Tumblr. Rasanya lucu saja menulis serius diantara para fot0-foto yang dikawinkan dengan font Helvetica, jadi sesuai janji saya, here I am: back here where it all started.

Oke, jadi penjelasannya begini.

Dua bulan kemarin ada kejadian sangat besar yang membuat saya sekarang menikmati waktu kosong selama dua bulan ke depan. Ya, memang dalam dua bulan kemarin B.N disamakan dengan J.B dan ribuan Diglett serta kakaknya Dugtrio membuat gempa di Jepang. Astuti, baik versi Masca2 ataupun Agung Pasha menjadi hits di YouTube walaupun tidak pernah masuk televisi. Bokoma di depan mesjid Salman menjadi alat pemuas kenikmatan duniawi yang baru, dan sahabat saya Echa masih single.

Ini bukan pengalihan pembicaraan: pada kenyataannya, memang ada begitu banyak kejadian yang terjadi dalam 2 bulan, kan? Mungkin ada teman saya yang orangtuanya cerai. Mungkin orang yang berpapasan dengan saya di busway kemarin hari ini sudah tiada. Kalau kemarin saya agak pelan nyetirnya saja, saya dipastikan kepalanya akan pecah terkena pentungan anak SMP yang tawuran. Jadi, dibanding seluruh kejadian aneh-aneh di sekeliling kita ini, cuti 2 bulan saya, sekalipun penyebabnya hal besar, mungkin terdengar biasa-biasa saja. I mean, here I am, blogging. On a 16″ VAIO laptop. Eating cheesecake. Listening to Bicycle Voice. I’m luxuriously okay. 

Jadi, kalau ada yang mau dengar cerita utuhnya, silahkan tinggalkan e-mail atau kirim pesan lewat Facebook, Twitter, Last.fm, DeviantArt, Vimeo, Bluefame, atau LinkedIn. See? Luxuriously okay. Nggak enak euy terlalu banyak nulis di sini, nanti saudara di kampung pada tahu :p #naon

Nah, setelah itu, silakan melihat FAQ di halaman berikut ini:

1. Q: Ram? Really okay? need help?
   A: Saya menerima donasi. Tidak adanya uang bulanan di ATM gara-gara tinggal di Jakarta rupanya cukup menyulitkan.
2. Q:  Ram? Really okay? need new love interest?
   A: Silakan lihat gambar #2 di halaman ini.
3. Q: Ram, bisa minta bantuin bikinin video ini buat tanggal segini ga? Mau ngasi surprise buat pacar gue blablabla
   A: Tidak. Lihat nomer (1) dan (2).
4. Q: Ram, kapan ke bandung?
   A: Karena sekarang ke sana cuma dalam rangka mencarikan Saski jodoh baru, jadi…bakal jarang deh.
5. Q: Dua bulan ini ngapain?
   A: Pertanyaan bagus! (nanya sendiri jawab sendiri zzzz) Project terdekat adalah membuat video promo di acara Nylon Indonesia buat sebuah band indie yang baru naik daun, Roman Foot Soldiers. Lagunya lumayan enak lho hoho #promosi. Lalu konsentrasi buat belajar SAT untuk mengimbangi IELTS yang agak buruk kemarin (reading dapat 9 tapi sisanya memble ckck), buat apply universitas. Lalu, terinspirasi film “?” yang heboh belakangan ini, mungkin bakal membuat sebuah proyek yang bertujuan untuk meningkatkan kesadaran toleransi beragama di Indonesia. Doakan saja lancar :)

   Oh iya, dan belajar main piano lagi.

6. Q: Ram, kalau mau mancing, jangan diajak berenang ikannya, nanti ga mau dip…
   A: Sssssst.
7. Q: Selamat ulang tahun!
   A: Selamat ulang tahun juga! (karena saya nyaris tidak mengucapkannya ke siapa-siapa setahun terakhir)

digantikan oleh

cerita-cerita lama tentang masa lalu,
dari seorang teman dekat baru

digantikan oleh

cerita-cerita baru tentang seseorang yang baru,
dari seorang teman dekat lama

digantikan oleh

cerita-cerita baru dari seorang teman lama.

andai kita bisa memilih cerita mana yang ingin didengar,
ingin disimpan, atau ingin dilupakan.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say—said, pay—paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.

From ‘desire’: desirable—admirable from ‘admire’,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation’s OK.
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia.
Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
Would it tally with my rhyme
If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
You’ll envelop lists, I hope,
In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You’ll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with ‘shirk it’ and ‘beyond it’,
But it is not hard to tell
Why it’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

‘Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker’,
Quoth he, ‘than liqueur or liquor’,
Making, it is sad but true,
In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn’t) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don’t be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint,
Mind the Z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don’t mention,
Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny rhymes to unicorn,
Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don’t want to speak of Cholmondeley.
No. Yet Froude compared with proud
Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
But you’re not supposed to say
Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
Episodes, antipodes,
Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don’t monkey with the geyser,
Don’t peel ‘taters with my razor,
Rather say in accents pure:
Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
Wan, sedan and artisan.

The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.
Say then these phonetic gems:
Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget ‘em—
Wait! I’ve got it: Anthony,
Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight—you see it;
With and forthwith, one has voice,
One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
Put, nut, granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
Bona fide, alibi
Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Rally with ally; yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess—it is not safe,
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
Face, but preface, then grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
With the sound of saw and sauce;
Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
Respite, spite, consent, resent.
Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation—think of Psyche!—
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
Won’t it make you lose your wits
Writing groats and saying ‘grits’?

It’s a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington, and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough?

Hiccough has the sound of sup.
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

by George Nolst Trenité (1870–1946)

A person is beyond the thinking mind.  Many of you would probably be proud to be called Americans, as many Indians would probably be proud to be called Indians.  But what is “American,” what is “Indian”?  It’s a convention; it’s not part of your nature.  All you’ve got is a label.  You really don’t know the person.  The concept always misses or omits something extremely important, something precious that is only found in reality, which is concrete uniqueness.

The great Krishnamurti put it so well when he said, “The day you teach the child the name of the bird, the child will never see that bird again.”  How true! The first time the child sees that fluffy, alive, moving object, and you say to him, “Sparrow,” then tomorrow when the child sees another fluffy, moving object similar to it he says, “Oh, sparrows.  I’ve seen sparrows.  I’m bored by sparrows.”

If you don’t look at things through your concepts, you’ll never be bored.  Every single thing is unique.

~Anthony de Mello

Now, here I am, an average, ordinary rock suspended in space. You’ll observe that I’m currently orbiting a brilliant marble planet. The gravity between me and the white planet, combined with my original straight path of motion, created this circular orbit. Now, there are a great number of great planets out there that I haven’t encountered, but planets like this marble one are rare. Marbles are exquisite, riddled with enchanting small details that you have to appreciate from nearby. They’re tough and cool to touch, even when the nearest star shine upon its surface hours after hours. However, when you orbit something, usually that means that’s where you’ll always be: you can’t go nearer. Going too near means a chance for crash landing and risking to scar its glimmering surface.

The only option is to go away and leave the orbit, but how can a small rock do it?
With the help of another planet, of course.

The big problem is, you weren’t one. You were tiny little rocks just as I was (and still am).

So, for quite a while, I gathered some space dust and try to make you bigger. Each speck of dust adds your mass, which in turn adds the gravity between us. Every time and everywhere we met, I tried to put the correct amount of dust to the correct location inside and outside your body and soul in my mind. I tried to polish your imperfections. You didn’t realize it, because I never wrote about this, haven’t I? You didn’t realize it, because you never viewed yourself as a space object, did you?

All these laws only applied on my galaxy. Yes, my own galaxy. My very own desperate dimension that never cease to construct hopes and fears into my own reality. The only language that I ever use on the only form of writings that I ever make.

Do you know one of my biggest worries right now? No, I’m not talking about the original topic of gravity. In the end, it’s just something natural. That’s the way it supposed to go. What I’m worried about is all these little scars from catching all those sharp space dusts and small rocks. What I’m worried about is what’s inside your head and heart, inside your molten core that I might never glimpse.

What I’m worried about is that
you’ll never know and care
on how hard it is
to create
us.

pretend that you wrote down everything you ever done, felt, or gone through. now look at what you wrote so far. your breaths, your meals, your new shoes, your empty soda can, your rains, your sexual curiosities, your boring films. basically, your whole life down to the tiniest conscious details. between millions of things, there are heartbreaks. there are loss. there are moments without gravity. there are moments when you were stuck and can’t put a period on it.

periods are hard to press. sometimes you just don’t want to end something.

the reality is, some people can press the period easily. some who don’t tend to write their mournings to satisfy their sudden explosion of melancholy. some write drinks and a lot of cigarettes. some of the worse ones don’t even write again.

in my case, i used to press the space bar a lot. i created huge, clean white spaces.

spaces were my easy escape.