honestly, really

December 14, 2009

Sesuai judulnya, ini akan menjadi post paling jujur sepanjang tahun ini (mungkin sepanjang blog ini ada).
Mungkin juga akan menjadi post bertema afeksi dan cinta pertama yang tidak memakai analogi.

Selama dua tahun terakhir, saya menulis begitu banyak tulisan yang selalu menggunakan kata “me” dan “you”. Plural “you”, actually. Bohong kalau ada orang yang bilang saya stuck di situ-situ terus. I moved on a lot. Kadang-kadang hanya langkah kecil. Ada juga yang lompatan besar. Ada yang sekilas. Ada yang saya perjuangkan begitu lama. Ada yang saya tulis. Ada yang tidak. Kebanyakan saya ceritakan. Beberapa saya pendam.

For a reason that i just realize now, I’m always attracted to a superior girl. Bolder. Brighter. Funnier. Prettier. Different. Opposing. As great as possible. The one that i really want. The one that can make me fall in an instant. Which is normal and not a bad thing actually, right?

The thing is, at some point back then, the word “superior” turned into “superficial”.

Tentang post sebelum ini, apa yang membuat pemikiran saya berubah secepat itu? Banyak hal sih. Permainan analogi dengan teman. Percakapan di BBM. Percakapan di warung bubur ayam. Film Shallow Hal. Twitter dan YM bodoh. I’m not trying to say that i changed something so fundamental just because i say or hear those little things above. No, they’re merely triggers. Pernah kan, saat kalian memilih satu keputusan, dan kalian merasa kayaknya salah tapi nggak mau kembali ke persimpangan itu karena yang dipilih sekarang belum terbukti salah dan masih ada pertanyaan yang belum terjawab? Suffice to say, I found the answers, and they prove that i chose the wrong path.

Actually I have someone in my mind since long ago. I wrote something about her, too. Something dismissive. Something that disregard the inner beauty. Something that’s plain stupid to say, and I’m really sorry for that.

And so be it: I realized that she’s the person I really need.
I know where she is. I don’t know whether she likes me or not.
It’s something that I have to figure out later (preferably sooner).

Tadinya saya ingin menulis lawan kata dari “superficial” sebagai judul post ini. Google told me it’s “deep”, “essential”, “honest”,  “intrinsic”, and lots of ordinary words (come to think of it, “ordinary” would fit pretty good). No. I have my own simple word. Three letters, to be exact.

you.

14 Desember.

One Response to “honestly, really”

  1. hear hear! said

    aww, I do share the same feeling right now.
    And yea, I’m not sure how he will react toward all of this. haha
    cheers

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