this is just my modern rock song

I’m not as sad as Dostoevsky,
I’m not as clever as Mark Twain,
I’ll only buy a book for the way it looks,
And then I stick it on the shelf again.

Now I could tell you what I’m thinking,
But it never seems to do you good,
It’s beyond me what a girl can see,
I’m only lucid when I’m writing songs.

This is just a modern rock song,
This is just a sorry lament,
We’re four boys in corduroys,
We’re not terrific but we’re competent.

Stevie’s full of good intentions,
Richards into rock ‘n’ roll,
Stuart’s staying in and he thinks it’s a sin,
That he has to leave the house at all.

This is just a modern rock song,
This is just a tender affair,
I count “three, four” and then we start to slow,
Because a song has got to stop somewhere.

~Belle and Sebastian, This Is Just A Modern Rock Song

it was

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was. 
A time of innocence, a time of confidences. 
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph. 
Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you.

Simon & Garfunkel – Bookends

Weirldy, the only song I listened over and over in the whole (500) Days of Summer album.
Maybe because it’s short (maybe something else).

lazy january

Jadi men. Males nulis cuy. 

I’ll give the world a quick update:

• I had an explosive new year’s eve in Bali. That’s because a huge firework exploded right between me and my mom and dad. Kinda burned my new T-shirt a little bit, but everything’s OK.
• End of semester. Got a 300% increase in GPA but that’s because last semester was so afwul. Still not good enough, i’m afraid, but guess we all have to try harder.
• I’m reactivating my DeviantArt because I’m joining Klikkanan Photography & Associates. Come on, paychecks. Let’s beat Adit as the most hyped photographers in LFM since 2003!
• I decided that making a photosession’s behind-the-scene video is quite fun. I made a simple one at a session with Aftah and Uta. Up next: Prewedding photosession and videos!
• This laptop is at its limit. The simple task of rendering ITB Fair 2010 15-second spot for Blitz Megaplex almost melted the tip of the charger. Oh, and the battery only lasts for 5 minutes (on the plus side, charging it from zero to full also took the same time). Browsing either HP Elitebook or Macbook Pro.
• I’m having an afro. In progress.
• I miss the old life back in Jakarta. By the way, I have to thank Amanda for still being my only “real” friend there. Haha I know it’s pathetic but it’s true :D by the way, no, I don’t think you’ll have a chaotic wedding like in “Hari Untuk Amanda”.
• I miss the old group. Where are you, reytia, dheny, ayu? Let’s go to somewhere fun!
• I miss the blogging golden age. Where are you now, Kana? Adyani?
• I’m bored with tumblr. Too many girly stuffs.
• I watched “Suster Keramas”. What can I say, it’s……..epic.
• My new friend Alvita (cih) bought me a real australian Boomerang! I began wondering whether it’s any different than indonesian-made ones.
• I curated 90 short films for Ganesha Film Festival 2010. Especially impressed with movies from friends at Institut Kesenian Jakarta. Kudos for you, guys!
• I’ll stop having any position at LFM, beginning April. Old age. Time to go Pro myself.
• I’ll be extremely rare to find at YM, so just text or e-mail me.
• This blackberry really taxes out my wallet. This, and Telkomsel.

Have a great January, everyone!

2009

Saya tidak punya banyak komentar untuk tahun 2009. Angkanya bagus (walaupun mungkin itu sugesti dunia gadget: tiba-tiba setiap angka bermakna spesial layaknya model handphone). Jumlahnya juga masih 365 hari. Entah kenapa saya sedang tidak mau mendeskripsikan tahun ini sebagai kumpulan momen-momen fantastik yang tidak akan terlupakan. Yah, setiap tahun sih juga pasti begitu: tahun itu hanya sebuah satuan untuk menjelaskan kumpulan hari-hari. Pendiskritan sesuatu yang kontinu. Untuk alasan yang sama juga, film biasanya terdiri dari adegan-adegan singkat (pernahkah terbayang menonton adegan slow-motion The Matrix, tapi mencakup satu hari penuh? Pasti akan mendefinisi ulang istilah “pelan”). Saya lebih senang bersyukur hal-hal baik terjadi dan hal-hal buruk terlewati. Saya sedang enggan meresapi kutipan kata bijak favorit Mark Twain saya. Saya sedang enggan beranalogi saat ini (yang tentu saja merupakan sebuah prestasi anomalis tersendiri).

Oh iya, mungkin 2009 itu tahun kata-kata bijak dan perbuatan-perbuatan picisan.
(Tentu saja, bukan icanread di tumblr atau kata-kata “saya hanyalah sebutir pasir” ya haha) 

Because, that’s what our life is: cheesier than any TV serials, cheap novels, or corny music.
Oh, and we’re not even talking about one of its recurring theme that starts with an ‘L’ and ends with ‘OVE’. Enough of that word to be stacked one upon others to reach E.T. in Andromeda galaxy out there. We’re too busy questioning small things that matters, and for good or for worse: it’s the right thing to do. 

We’re small.
We do small things with our small brain and heart and muscle and nerve.
We’re too nervous, too delicate to tackle big issues. To face the truth.

Saat ada orang yang dengan berani menghadapi tahun 2010 dan selanjutnya, dia sungguh orang yang beruntung.
Saya mendoakan saja bahwa ia benar-benar berani dan (semoga) saya bisa seberani orang itu.

Auld Lang Syne, folks.
Goodnight and goodluck.

Trivia: secara personal, 2009 bagi saya adalah tahun menjadi tukang kebun.

honestly, really

Sesuai judulnya, ini akan menjadi post paling jujur sepanjang tahun ini (mungkin sepanjang blog ini ada).
Mungkin juga akan menjadi post bertema afeksi dan cinta pertama yang tidak memakai analogi.

Selama dua tahun terakhir, saya menulis begitu banyak tulisan yang selalu menggunakan kata “me” dan “you”. Plural “you”, actually. Bohong kalau ada orang yang bilang saya stuck di situ-situ terus. I moved on a lot. Kadang-kadang hanya langkah kecil. Ada juga yang lompatan besar. Ada yang sekilas. Ada yang saya perjuangkan begitu lama. Ada yang saya tulis. Ada yang tidak. Kebanyakan saya ceritakan. Beberapa saya pendam.

For a reason that i just realize now, I’m always attracted to a superior girl. Bolder. Brighter. Funnier. Prettier. Different. Opposing. As great as possible. The one that i really want. The one that can make me fall in an instant. Which is normal and not a bad thing actually, right?

The thing is, at some point back then, the word “superior” turned into “superficial”.

Tentang post sebelum ini, apa yang membuat pemikiran saya berubah secepat itu? Banyak hal sih. Permainan analogi dengan teman. Percakapan di BBM. Percakapan di warung bubur ayam. Film Shallow Hal. Twitter dan YM bodoh. I’m not trying to say that i changed something so fundamental just because i say or hear those little things above. No, they’re merely triggers. Pernah kan, saat kalian memilih satu keputusan, dan kalian merasa kayaknya salah tapi nggak mau kembali ke persimpangan itu karena yang dipilih sekarang belum terbukti salah dan masih ada pertanyaan yang belum terjawab? Suffice to say, I found the answers, and they prove that i chose the wrong path.

Actually I have someone in my mind since long ago. I wrote something about her, too. Something dismissive. Something that disregard the inner beauty. Something that’s plain stupid to say, and I’m really sorry for that.

And so be it: I realized that she’s the person I really need.
I know where she is. I don’t know whether she likes me or not.
It’s something that I have to figure out later (preferably sooner).

Tadinya saya ingin menulis lawan kata dari “superficial” sebagai judul post ini. Google told me it’s “deep”, “essential”, “honest”,  “intrinsic”, and lots of ordinary words (come to think of it, “ordinary” would fit pretty good). No. I have my own simple word. Three letters, to be exact.

you.

14 Desember.

celestial

Just as all the doubts evaporated and questions answered,
the wind changes direction.

Suddenly I’m disoriented.
North becomes south.
Calm becomes storm.
Hope become void.
Needs become wants.

All I realize is I’m venturing too far
trying to find an island too vague,
looking for a treasure that doesn’t want to be touched.

It’s time to go back,
to the warm fireplace.

To the small cottage upon the sea.

You can look for a golden crown but nothing beats a golden heart.

update: too late.